Aadi Himani Chamunda

Date of Trek: 14/11/23

Ascent: 3 hours 15 mins (09:30 - 12:45)

Descent: 2 hours 45 mins (15:15 - 17:00)

Starting Point: Jia, Palampur, Kangra, Himachal Pradesh

Trek Distance: 7.5 - 8 Kms

Altitude: 3200 m

There is a parking spot for cars & two wheelers and the trek can be embarked upon easily as there are tower lights from Jia till the Aadi Himani Chamunda Temple. Getting lost here is really hard, these lights are switched on at night and I wonder how it might be like to trek at night (super cool, I guess). The temple closes from Mid November to March as there might be heavy snowfall (6-7 ft of snow) during the winter months and the temple authorities do not want to take any responsibility of people visiting in the name of the temple and injuring themselves. There are no water sources and water is available only near the temple, about 800 metres further from the temple. Be sure to have enough for the journey uphill. There are multiple spaces to camp while going to the temple and a stay overnight can also be enjoyable. You can carry tents or use the shepherd houses built there (slates) to sleep. When the temple is open, blankets can also be borrowed for a minimal amount. The view of the mountains is beautiful. There is also a temple up ahead which I did not visit, it's on the next hillock. 

The feeling of inadequacy

 Certain times in life you have to stop, pause or lay at rest for some reason. You might be sick, hurt, ill, out of work etc. During those times you realize how important it is to 'work'. The idea of work in the modern sense is something to just get on with. The moment it becomes difficult or too much, people crave a breather. I was recently working as a therapist, I worked for about 3 months, it was challenging, rewarding and took a lot of my time as well. In every few breathers, I would run to Instagram but when I was taking my session, I was there, wholly and completely. Not always but surely most of the times. Now, that my PhD is going to begin in a few weeks, I am entirely out of work. I have been travelling, meeting friends and attending wedding, yet I feel inadequate and low. I still feel that I am not able to completely be myself in front of other people which just brings me down. Whenever someone calls me 'shaant', quiet or reserved, I just do not like it at all. This is one of the reason why I am trying to build upon my social skills. It's embarrassing, like someone saying that I am this way but I should be a different way. This just saps my energy and might be a reason why I feel low. I act differently with different people, I move at their pace, needs and requirements and for some godforsaken reason I feel that I am always listening to 'other people', who listens to me?! It's rare when that happens and I do want to be heard and listened. This might be one of my many insecurities just surfacing up. This being heard makes me work on myself and my social skills so that people listen to me. Whenever someone admires me, I do not feel happy, maybe because I don't agree with them. This is the feeling of inadequacy.

How many more goals should I complete? What will I have to do feel adequate and whole? When someone listens to me, will it really happen or is this just a way through which my mind plays tricks on me. I want to be 'Him' but why do I want to? Will I ever feel adequate when I'm Him? Too many questions for me, for which I don not even have the capacity or the energy to answer. I would have enjoyed this shaadi that I went to more if this was in between work. Work gives us this feeling of being of purpose and of moving forward, which is why I just cannot wait to get started working towards my goals. It took me 28 days to finally start writing something down, I had made a goal of writing everyday yet I felt stuck and there was just too much inertia to begin with anything. What even do I write about? All the books that I have read have presented such ideas that writing seems like such a tedious process but in the end it's just giving a written form to your thoughts and there is no shortage of thoughts withing the human mind. It's just been around 17 minutes into writing this article yet I feel so sleepy. My eyes are getting heavy in the sense that it's difficult to keep them open. However, my fingers and fast and nimble, working on and finding anything and everything to write with after which these points will be connected to the central title oncourse. This is usually when I start to feel sleepy when I pick up a task that requires sustained concentration, even while reading a book. My attention is directed to the body parts which feel heavy and I start going into a deep slumber. Nothing is easy in life, nor will be any work that I do ir anyone else will. If we reduce life down into different aspects we get time, past - present - future. The feeling of inadequacy is related to all 3 time domains. I feel inadequate because in the past ____ happened and I am now feeing ____, this will not change in the future, hence I should sulk and feel guilty about it. This feeling is very difficult to tackle and easiest to hide.

Working with my clients, a lot of them felt that they were inadequate and rightly so. I feel inadequate because I cannot be my whole self in front of other people and I feel slighted, unheard and non existent (only at times). I know if I ask people around me, they will have very different opinions. I mean a lot to my parents, friends and family. My death will sadden them and affect them. Hence, knowing that this feeling is not real, I still feel low and disoriented knowing that the work I need to do is not done. Coming back to my clients, some felt inadequate because they did not have a particular person in life, a job, some achievement as well. Bottom line is that all humans gravitate towards adequacy, they think doing this or having that will make them feel inadequate but nothing of that sort really happens in all honesty, you just have to continue living everyday. 

I have recently been affected by elderly people a lot, looking at them and having conversations with them. I see that we are moving towards that age of physical decay, mental loosening, reduction of status and people around. They build their lives around their children who eventually leave and then what?! How do they keep themselves going? By watching television, eating 3 times a day and hoping for some company. DO they feel adequate? I'm sure they don't, how can anyone ever feel that way and that's why we strive, we try, we keep on moving even after falling a 100 times. Our hairs turns white, yet we conceal them and try them to get them black, not because we're scared of death or are aging but because we never want to feel inadequate. There is no fear of death, when it happens people do have to accept it and live with it. It happens quickly and everything is over in a matter of seconds, why get scared then? I don't know. 

Who wants to feel adequate is the next question I have to ask and so does everyone else. There is a part of my that's extremely shy, doesn't want punishment or any other sort of critical treatment from authority, who just wants to stay in the corner and is dying for everyone else to hear them out. That is only a part of me and not me entirely, that parts seeks nourishment, validation and love and so I create an alter ego, another part that's so sociable, outgoing and outspoken that it feeds off the former part, satiating it's need to be heard. I haven't really addressed that part, I seek to create another identity to neutralize it. This is how David the part time savage is different from Goggins the SAVAGE. What did creating Goggins did for him as a whole? Helped him move through insurmountable and excruciating experiences that no one can even imagine to compete in, forget complete them. All this led him to a lot of personal achievements, money, respect, self esteem, confidence and fame. That's what I intend to do with Parmar who is SARVASHRESHTHA, he's different from Nadeesh who is a shy, happy go lucky child. Parmar cracked JRF, other examinations and whatever that has been difficult in his life. Nadeesh watches a lot of insta reels, likes to experience different things in life, in instinctual but this boy is also creative, vulnerable and can connect with other people. He's a good listener and can crack jokes. If Nadeesh is instability, chaos, anxiety, nervousness then Parmar is calm, serious, disciplined and hardworking. Sure, my own insecurities will always be there and this feeling of inadequacy cannot be tackled but I can still work on getting to know more about myself by just testing my own mental and physical limits. Let's see how that goes.

When have I felt the most inadequate? Probably when I shat in my pants when I was in 6th grade, I literally froze for the entirety of the day. I was walking arounf with shit stuck inside my underwear and shorts, it literally came out of my shorts and was on my socks. I smelled like shit the entire fucking day and I had no one to help me with it. I remember the gazes of pity, I realized what shame is that day onwards. Such a shameful thing to do for boy of such an age. I haven't even talked about it in detail with anyone, so much trauma I have from that day that it lives on with me. Second would be when I lost my way when I was in 1st grade and I was just walking from here to there, searching for my parents. I feel like that little boy who shat in his pants and who got lost on the first day of school many a times. I feel that way when I am underconfident and not prepared to take on the world and on people. There I fauler and feel the most inadequate. This softness and politeness in me comes from a place of feeling inadequate.

Everyone I turn to in my life have insecurities of their own, whether small or big, they have to tackle it on their own terms and have to live with it as best they can. Goggins said that you're either working on yourself or spiraling downwards. An analogy that resonates with me is that you're either getting/staying fit or becoming unhealthy. It's as simple as that, my feeling of inadequacy will not go away completely and by doing something specific. I just want to make good use of my time here on earth, which is not much. I do need to think about death a lot more to realize how little time I have and how I can make the best use of it for my own benefit. 

There was once a little boy who always kept quiet and did not open his mouth unless he had to. He only replied to specific questions and never asked anything back. What did this do to him? He went inside a shell, never to return and question this behavior of his. I don't want to be that boy ever! I enjoy human company and like Morrie, there's much to learn and share with people, this is what we live for. However, I do need to learn the art of story telling and this is something that will help me in social conversations and with people in general. A good story captivates and brings the listener closer to you. All charismatic people possess the ability to grab attention of a crowd towards what they're saying. I feel I am an amazing listener but every now and then I need to showcase the amazing skills of story telling that I possess.

As I come to the end of this 1st 1 hour random writing, I feel a little at ease that somehow thankfully I have began this journey towards eventually releasing and publishing a book that is real, unique, close to my heart and which people find extremely valuable. Parmar needs to take over and become more disciplined as I have enjoyed thoroughly for the past 1 month. 

Remedies for the Heart

With the clock ticking every second and movement being the characteristic of time, it's fierce repercussions are brought on to the heart especially to the one who's sensitive and without any work or responsibility. How should this movement be justified by one's action is a constant source of confusion but there is none when there exists action of any sort. Hence, action is the only remedy for an existentially aching heart. We think a movie, our favorite music, will do the trick but it will only continue to do so for when is lasts. There is a return of the mind to the point where it was before the intervention, hence the only solution is getting work done. Running away from one's work is like floating in a pool of anxiety, which continues to rise until it finally drowns the individual. 

A little boy was sad that he did not get his favorite present on Christmas so he brought all of his vengeance within him to school and started bullying others since he was physically imposing as compared to his classmates. He started believing he was in the 'naughty list' and all hell started breaking loose at once. His parents could not understand what could have ticked their child off after hearing ruthless soundings of complain from his teachers. When confronted he broke down and said "If Santa thinks of me as a 'naughty boy', then I will show him how naughty I can really be". The Santa is our own expectations that we have of ourself, even a slight 'falling short' leads to such nasty repercussions that we become the 'naught boy'. Procrastination, is the most used term of the decade and probably worse than laziness. Knowing what you have to do and continuing to not do so is a tragedy. That is the beginning of the aching heart.

A romantic heart ache is a whole another ball game altogether. It is shattering and more devastating that an existential heart ache, Here, you have found this 'perfect person' who's like a light in your life. You attach yourself to that light and learn to read, walk and live in that light. The comforts of that relationship take all your doubts away and make you feel 'not lonely' for at least a few moments. Those moments shared become the highlight of your day and slowly and steadily take up a huge amount of space in your life. When there's no reciprocation of that intensity and passion, the relationship eventually fails leaving the one 'who loved' devastated. That heart ache is terrible and is difficult to move on from. Mostly because, you're not just dealing with the absence of someone with whom you experienced great intimacy but also a host of other problems. How to go back and revert to that state when the mind has gotten used to something more exciting, novel and extravagant?

In such cases I feel, only time (movement alluded to in the first paragraph) can help heal the possible wounds. The first few months are the hardest but it gets easier every month until eventually the time spent with that special person only remains as a faint memory. Music, movies, novels. spirituality - anything might help! But we do move on no matter the magnitude of the heart ach experiences. Hence, time, action and faith are all remedies for an aching heart. 

Family is everything

Children are the future! and the job of parents is to make sure they build the necessary environment for their children to flourish. The goal of reproduction is facilitate the evolution of humanity. Yet, there remains so much bickering between the young and the old. A family where all individuals are thoughtful, conscious of other's needs and accommodating is truly unheard of especially in 2022. There are times when the little misunderstandings keep compounding and eventually there's a release or a blast of all the unexpressed feelings and rage which materializes in the form of fights, arguments and other all out wars between family members. And so it is hard to imagine or reflect upon the absolute necessity of a family! It's all about the individual, isn't it?

I look at my Mom and I'm so proud of her principles and conduct. Her discipline, rigor and social graces are almost perfect to a fault. I cannot imagine how on earth, does she do so much for our lazy asses all the time. She loves the family. On the other hand, my father is a difficult man to live with, who is often consumed by his short temperedness which is fired upon unassuming people. He's extremely sociable and is beyond extroverted and that's why it will be hard for his friends to believe that he is irascible almost always, except when he's enjoying his drink or he's genuinely happy about something. I wish I could've solved the puzzle to understand that why is he the way he is but some things remain beyond our control. I am fearful of him, not of him but of his reaction which is generally something that's vile, illogical and loud. Whenever he responds like that, it sounds like someone hurling abuses. I wish our relationship was such in which I could be more open and relate my ideas and experiences which are in vast abundance to him. Sadly, as I observed all of this while growing up I shrank in my shell, not wanting to get out, waiting for the storm to pass not realizing that the storm is most of the times made by my own mind. 

The idea of a 'perfect family' is quixotic. Between family members- misunderstandings, confrontations and fallouts are common. If you are at peace with the different of opinions that exist within a family of four and can still complete the familial responsibilities with honest intentions and love, then you can indeed call yourself a member of your family. Otherwise, it is just not! Despite the above rant about my father, I love him and he loves me. We might never say it out loud but it's know to the both of us and I will continue to take care of him till god permits me to. The point is, it's going to be messy! but it's a good mess, the one that makes us laugh wildly, giggle incessantly and feel joy tremendously. I love my family and would do anything for them!

Call it Magic!

As kids, we were all left in a stupor when we witnessed a magician or a performer showcasing a series of flawless and impossible tricks. We called it magic! It was astonishing, riveting and exhilarating, how could one bring about a bird out of thin air or escape from an improbable situation without hurt? Leaving us confused, not knowing the trick was: beautiful, it brought about an aspect of the sacred and the unknown which was vast and downright blasphemous at times for our little brains. However, as life moves on and we grow up, the charm of magic slowly fades away into oblivion. Reason, logic and its counterparts govern our thinking and believing in the impossible is only for day dreamers with a lackadaisical attitude engaged in irresponsible behavior. Magic is forgotten. Causes and Effect dominate, the scientific temperament developed through education motivates us to not believe in magic and see it as only a trick! 

Magic! at first glance is the inexplicable conversion of energy which seems to be an illusion or plain legerdemain. However, the quest to go beyond limitations of all kinds to bring about a result that one earnestly yearns for is not a trick but an awareness of intricacies that only a few are capable to reproduce. Magic and Miracles are not very far from each other, miracles are unexpected and a chance product whereas magic is forceful and expected! Of course, to the one partaking and involved in the quest and not the average gongoozler. Magic as we see on television channels, YouTube and Movies is also brought out from the same idea! These serious magicians are admirable as it's always about getting better at something that unperceivable for others. To even come up with new and exciting magic tricks is also an example of the human need to 'push' further and with such a force as to leave a mark of some kind. Getting better than yesterday is what we strive for and magic is bringing about that process in reality through steps.

Magic is everywhere! Until we figure out everything and even then it will remain so. The world feels like a magical place in the first place! How do I even comprehend death and after life when the very life in which we live is an adventure that is unexplored. Magic is going beyond what's been said or written and then digging deep to use that knowledge, creating a wonder that arouses the mystique in those who come across it. Magic is contagious! Love is Magic until we experience and see for ourselves for what makes love, love! There is so much to explore and much to do, or much not to do. Only a child like wonder at the working of life will help us peel and face some of it's truths which help us to progress. What you become will be a mystery to others.

Rain Rain 'Don't Go Away!'

A rainy day is a replenishment of nature, helping 'the necessary' thrive all the while washing away 'the unnecessary'. We start our days by getting wet; scrubbing the dirt, sweat and oils off of our skin. There is a palpable feeling of being refreshed and ready to take on the world and everyday responsibilities. The advantages of cold showers are also well documented. You can tell that when someone refuses to take a bath, they are holding on to some memory and refusing to move on with everyday life. Hence, the homeless, drunkards and depressed hardly shower. They do not want to feel refreshed as they are caught up in the cycle of self deprecation and have found security in it which feeds their distorted identity. Water also clears us of odor, the lies and faults we make leave a stink and it's essential that we wash ourselves and clear us off this as much as we can. In the Hindu Culture ('Sanatan Dharma'), taking a dip in the holy water of the Ganges frees the person of any sins they've committed in this lifetime. Also, after a person's death the 'body' is burned and the ashes return to water. According to the Pre-Socratic Philosopher 'Thales' - "All things are form water and all things are resolved into water". There's a reason 70% of the body is water!

I particularly enjoy rainy days and have never felt irritated in the least by the obvious inconveniences it causes. Sitting outside in the porch, reading a good book, is a day to be savored. Not just sitting indoors, I make sure to get wet every now and then. Walking shirtless here and there or even playing basketball when it's pouring is not a sight uncommon to my friends and family; I make sure that the raindrops bounce off me head, tickle down my arms and wet my clothes. A natural shower, sent by god himself, why waste such a tremendous opportunity? I'm also lucky as I have the privilege of living near the mountains. The sight of the Himalayas is one to behold, the lower proximal mountains sparkle in a tinge of green, soothing the eyes. Life flourishes on a rainy day, I'm sure the birds enjoy their equivalent of 'Chaai-Pakoda' during a tenacious shower. It's also a time which makes you feel more intimate and nostalgic for some reason, childhood memories come rushing and certain passions are stirred up in your heart.

Ask the importance of 'Rain' to a farmer and he might recite an impassioned ode to it. The romantics are also on their best behavior, perceptible to little changes continuing to take place. Rains are a blessing for mankind but they do take a rather savage form in the face of floods. That is also a replenishment in a way and a natural weeding process. Ultimately, we all have a special connection to Rain and let's not forget to admire it's character and charm whenever we come to witness it. Rain gods have my undying respect, pour over my heart and spirit again and again.

Real communication

Communication between two beings is more then just small talk, advices, venting, instructions, gossip etc. but a real connection that provides security to those involved in the process. This security is what helps open us up about our deepest fears, troubling thoughts, traumatic experiences and our unfulfilled desires, future dreams, revealing insights. Rarely, do we find people in our life with whom all of this can be shared, communication gaps are more prevalent than we think they are. However 'shallow communication' is not useless as it paves the way towards building rapport and nourishing the relationship towards 'deep communication' which is a space that is unjudging, free flowing and vast. A lack of sharing of these innate thoughts makes one feel alone than he/she usually is and can only foster imperfect aspirations and flawed perceptions about one's own narrative. No one is as crazy as they think they are, especially when everyone's mental health is a joke right now. It's all about meeting new and more 'interesting' people but how about renewing and rekindling relationships with one's old friends and relatives? I believe the bigger the family, the more happier everyone is, as there is a higher probability of you connecting with at least one of the family member or someone from the extended family. 

Why does communication help us so much? More than any kind of rationalization or self-motivation? When we are floating in the depths of our minds and observing the irregularities in our thought and behavior, we generally become angry or frustrated with oneself. We are always trying to 'be' someone and when you're trying to be someone, you will nevertheless come up short every now and then. This coming up short can create such resentment that it keeps building up slowly and slowly and one is left with no option but to be consumed by it. However, talking it out and can help you show that it is as much a natural and common phenomenon as 'farting in workplace'. No need for so much stress in your mind and tightness in your body, it releases a little every time you let it out almost like breaking up a knot in your muscles. Therapy is what you're doing when you listen to your friend with your complete attention and do not judge, give them the space to share what they're going through and validate them, give affirmative responses and help them help themselves. Close and tight knitted circle or group of friends is priceless. Hence, loyalty is the biggest virtue in a friend to aspire.

Seeking external help or therapy is only required when one is truly alone with no one around to talk to or in extreme situations of grief, trauma, stress where talking with friends/family is not helping and one's situation is just deteriorating. However, the therapist is no authority figure, no God and certainly not your Boss. The therapist is just like your friend, sister, brother etc. who gets paid to listen to you. Listening is an art much like public speaking. You have to be engaged throughout and not listen to come up with a reply or to to bring forth a rebuttal of some kind but listen as a human who can relate and feel to an extent what that person is going through. Good listeners are the most valued human beings and should be protected at all costs. They're more likely to be introverted or shy but that does not qualify one to be a good listener, they have an equally short attention span as extroverts. Hence, one should strive to be a good listener and give the gift of listening to people we love and care about.

There were so many things and topics that I thought that are meant to remain inside my mind because as a guy you are supposed to hide your true feelings and keep moving forward. But, it was only in the company of good listeners and in the space of real communication that I recognized: nothing is off limits! you can be as honest and real as possible even if the idea is gnarly, offensive, disrespectful, demeaning to someone. It is the truth no matter how much you try to deny, call a spade a spade and not sugarcoat it and present it in some other light. Hence, communication i.e. real communication mends our broken hearts, soothes the oozing angst in our spirit and reestablishes our faith in humanity.