Certain times in life you have to stop, pause or lay at rest for some reason. You might be sick, hurt, ill, out of work etc. During those times you realize how important it is to 'work'. The idea of work in the modern sense is something to just get on with. The moment it becomes difficult or too much, people crave a breather. I was recently working as a therapist, I worked for about 3 months, it was challenging, rewarding and took a lot of my time as well. In every few breathers, I would run to Instagram but when I was taking my session, I was there, wholly and completely. Not always but surely most of the times. Now, that my PhD is going to begin in a few weeks, I am entirely out of work. I have been travelling, meeting friends and attending wedding, yet I feel inadequate and low. I still feel that I am not able to completely be myself in front of other people which just brings me down. Whenever someone calls me 'shaant', quiet or reserved, I just do not like it at all. This is one of the reason why I am trying to build upon my social skills. It's embarrassing, like someone saying that I am this way but I should be a different way. This just saps my energy and might be a reason why I feel low. I act differently with different people, I move at their pace, needs and requirements and for some godforsaken reason I feel that I am always listening to 'other people', who listens to me?! It's rare when that happens and I do want to be heard and listened. This might be one of my many insecurities just surfacing up. This being heard makes me work on myself and my social skills so that people listen to me. Whenever someone admires me, I do not feel happy, maybe because I don't agree with them. This is the feeling of inadequacy.
How many more goals should I complete? What will I have to do feel adequate and whole? When someone listens to me, will it really happen or is this just a way through which my mind plays tricks on me. I want to be 'Him' but why do I want to? Will I ever feel adequate when I'm Him? Too many questions for me, for which I don not even have the capacity or the energy to answer. I would have enjoyed this shaadi that I went to more if this was in between work. Work gives us this feeling of being of purpose and of moving forward, which is why I just cannot wait to get started working towards my goals. It took me 28 days to finally start writing something down, I had made a goal of writing everyday yet I felt stuck and there was just too much inertia to begin with anything. What even do I write about? All the books that I have read have presented such ideas that writing seems like such a tedious process but in the end it's just giving a written form to your thoughts and there is no shortage of thoughts withing the human mind. It's just been around 17 minutes into writing this article yet I feel so sleepy. My eyes are getting heavy in the sense that it's difficult to keep them open. However, my fingers and fast and nimble, working on and finding anything and everything to write with after which these points will be connected to the central title oncourse. This is usually when I start to feel sleepy when I pick up a task that requires sustained concentration, even while reading a book. My attention is directed to the body parts which feel heavy and I start going into a deep slumber. Nothing is easy in life, nor will be any work that I do ir anyone else will. If we reduce life down into different aspects we get time, past - present - future. The feeling of inadequacy is related to all 3 time domains. I feel inadequate because in the past ____ happened and I am now feeing ____, this will not change in the future, hence I should sulk and feel guilty about it. This feeling is very difficult to tackle and easiest to hide.
Working with my clients, a lot of them felt that they were inadequate and rightly so. I feel inadequate because I cannot be my whole self in front of other people and I feel slighted, unheard and non existent (only at times). I know if I ask people around me, they will have very different opinions. I mean a lot to my parents, friends and family. My death will sadden them and affect them. Hence, knowing that this feeling is not real, I still feel low and disoriented knowing that the work I need to do is not done. Coming back to my clients, some felt inadequate because they did not have a particular person in life, a job, some achievement as well. Bottom line is that all humans gravitate towards adequacy, they think doing this or having that will make them feel inadequate but nothing of that sort really happens in all honesty, you just have to continue living everyday.
I have recently been affected by elderly people a lot, looking at them and having conversations with them. I see that we are moving towards that age of physical decay, mental loosening, reduction of status and people around. They build their lives around their children who eventually leave and then what?! How do they keep themselves going? By watching television, eating 3 times a day and hoping for some company. DO they feel adequate? I'm sure they don't, how can anyone ever feel that way and that's why we strive, we try, we keep on moving even after falling a 100 times. Our hairs turns white, yet we conceal them and try them to get them black, not because we're scared of death or are aging but because we never want to feel inadequate. There is no fear of death, when it happens people do have to accept it and live with it. It happens quickly and everything is over in a matter of seconds, why get scared then? I don't know.
Who wants to feel adequate is the next question I have to ask and so does everyone else. There is a part of my that's extremely shy, doesn't want punishment or any other sort of critical treatment from authority, who just wants to stay in the corner and is dying for everyone else to hear them out. That is only a part of me and not me entirely, that parts seeks nourishment, validation and love and so I create an alter ego, another part that's so sociable, outgoing and outspoken that it feeds off the former part, satiating it's need to be heard. I haven't really addressed that part, I seek to create another identity to neutralize it. This is how David the part time savage is different from Goggins the SAVAGE. What did creating Goggins did for him as a whole? Helped him move through insurmountable and excruciating experiences that no one can even imagine to compete in, forget complete them. All this led him to a lot of personal achievements, money, respect, self esteem, confidence and fame. That's what I intend to do with Parmar who is SARVASHRESHTHA, he's different from Nadeesh who is a shy, happy go lucky child. Parmar cracked JRF, other examinations and whatever that has been difficult in his life. Nadeesh watches a lot of insta reels, likes to experience different things in life, in instinctual but this boy is also creative, vulnerable and can connect with other people. He's a good listener and can crack jokes. If Nadeesh is instability, chaos, anxiety, nervousness then Parmar is calm, serious, disciplined and hardworking. Sure, my own insecurities will always be there and this feeling of inadequacy cannot be tackled but I can still work on getting to know more about myself by just testing my own mental and physical limits. Let's see how that goes.
When have I felt the most inadequate? Probably when I shat in my pants when I was in 6th grade, I literally froze for the entirety of the day. I was walking arounf with shit stuck inside my underwear and shorts, it literally came out of my shorts and was on my socks. I smelled like shit the entire fucking day and I had no one to help me with it. I remember the gazes of pity, I realized what shame is that day onwards. Such a shameful thing to do for boy of such an age. I haven't even talked about it in detail with anyone, so much trauma I have from that day that it lives on with me. Second would be when I lost my way when I was in 1st grade and I was just walking from here to there, searching for my parents. I feel like that little boy who shat in his pants and who got lost on the first day of school many a times. I feel that way when I am underconfident and not prepared to take on the world and on people. There I fauler and feel the most inadequate. This softness and politeness in me comes from a place of feeling inadequate.
Everyone I turn to in my life have insecurities of their own, whether small or big, they have to tackle it on their own terms and have to live with it as best they can. Goggins said that you're either working on yourself or spiraling downwards. An analogy that resonates with me is that you're either getting/staying fit or becoming unhealthy. It's as simple as that, my feeling of inadequacy will not go away completely and by doing something specific. I just want to make good use of my time here on earth, which is not much. I do need to think about death a lot more to realize how little time I have and how I can make the best use of it for my own benefit.
There was once a little boy who always kept quiet and did not open his mouth unless he had to. He only replied to specific questions and never asked anything back. What did this do to him? He went inside a shell, never to return and question this behavior of his. I don't want to be that boy ever! I enjoy human company and like Morrie, there's much to learn and share with people, this is what we live for. However, I do need to learn the art of story telling and this is something that will help me in social conversations and with people in general. A good story captivates and brings the listener closer to you. All charismatic people possess the ability to grab attention of a crowd towards what they're saying. I feel I am an amazing listener but every now and then I need to showcase the amazing skills of story telling that I possess.
As I come to the end of this 1st 1 hour random writing, I feel a little at ease that somehow thankfully I have began this journey towards eventually releasing and publishing a book that is real, unique, close to my heart and which people find extremely valuable. Parmar needs to take over and become more disciplined as I have enjoyed thoroughly for the past 1 month.
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